THE BEST OF THE WORST: THE ALL-TIME GREATEST BAD MOVIES
A few years ago, my wife and I attended a party where the conversation veered to film. One of our friends had a copy of a Leonard Maltin movie ratings guide, and we played a little game with it. We tried to guess which films received a full four stars. When it came my turn, my love injected, “Don’t ask him. Jim doesn’t like good movies!”
Many thought this was an insult, but this was actually a back-handed compliment. The person who knew me best recognized my passion for incredibly campy cinema—in other words, movies that are so bad they are actually good on some level. I took an odd sort of pride in my wife’s observation and started thinking. Just what are the greatest “bad” movies of all-time? What films, in spite of inane scripts, horrid acting, and terrible production, are actually very entertaining? In no particular order of preference, I thought of the following:
"Plan 9 From Outer Space" (1956): There's good reason why Ed Wood earned his reputation as one of the most appealingly bad directors of the fifties. "Plan 9" is easily the most unintentionally funny film ever made. A dying Bela Lugosi played a zombie. When he expired in the middle of production, Lugosi was replaced by a double that looked nothing like him. Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson, who could barely speak English, was cast as a hard-bitten cop. Poorly-written dialogue took on an almost autistic sense of repetition. The ever-fey Dudley Manlove played an alien who wanted to destroy Earthlings because they “…never think; they're "Stupid!!!! Stupid!!!! Stupid!!!!" Better words could not describe this celluloid disaster.
"Faster, Pussycat, Kill! Kill! Kill!" (1965): Probably Russ Meyer's most notorious sleaze-fest starred Amerasian beauty Tura Satana as a psychopathic go-go dancer. Few can find any redeeming qualities in this film, but I am an exception. Russ Meyer's black-and-white photography made excellent use of stark contrast between shadow and light, especially in the twilight desert scenes. In over 30 years of going to the movies, none have ever given me an adrenaline rush as intense as "Faster Pussycat."
"UHF" (1989): Critics with "good taste" disregard this Weird Al Yankovic vehicle, but his humor was never about good taste! Anyone who fondly remembers low-budget UHF programming in the seventies will surely relate to this film. Michael Richards steals the picture as Stanley Spadowski, a mentally-challenged janitor who becomes an unlikely celebrity. Weird Al's songs are the weakest part, but they are easy to ignore. Besides, where else can you catch Emo Philips as a shop class teacher?
"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (1964): As bad as it sounds and even funnier. Making things even stranger, this holiday-horror fest featured a 10-year-old Pia Zadora as a Martian child! Her less-than-distinguished acting career certainly got off to a very fitting start.
"Teenage Caveman" (1958): Would you buy a thirty-something Robert Vaughan as a teenaged caveman? Neither can I, but that only adds to the idiocy of this picture. Atrocious fifties costuming clad teenaged cavewomen in animal skins with darts sewn into them!
"Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains" (1982): Cheaply made punk rock exploitation picture tells tale of three working class Pennsylvania girls who form a new wave band to escape their blight. They go on tour with The Looters, who feature Paul Cook on drums, Steve Jones on guitar, and Paul Simonon on bass. Fee Waybill also appears as a burned out seventies glam star (that's a stretch!).
"Panic in Year Zero" (1962): Ray Milland, Frankie Avalon, and the one-and-only Dick Bakalyan star in this nuclear paranoia doomsday drama. Milland and family are camping in Yosemite when they see the ominous mushroom cloud take out LA. The survivors in the outlying areas take to an every man for himself survival of the fittest mode. Bakalyan is fantastic as a slimy hoodlum who tries to rape Milland's daughter. This one almost works as a tense drama.
"The Sinister Urge" (1960): Here is yet another reason why Edward D. Wood, Jr. may go down in history as the most inept filmmaker of all-time. A police vice squad cracks down on a pornography ring of mildly overweight women being photographed in bikinis. Watch for the police car that changes back and forth from a 1959 Ford to a 1960 Dodge.
"Creeping Terror" (1964): A shag carpet parade dragon terrorizes the earth, eating the homeless! Incompetent audio engineers lost most of the dialogue, so a hammy narrator was overdubbed to point out the obvious. It’s almost as funny as "Plan 9."
"X: The Man with X-Ray Eyes" (1963): It is hard to believe that Ray Milland won an Oscar for "Lost Weekend" when one watches this camp classic. Physician discovers eye drops that give him x-ray vision. Instead of advancing science, they spell disaster and bizarre photographic effects.
"Beyond The Valley of The Dolls" (1970): Sex and drugs and rock and roll and chaos and inane scripts and cheesy psychedelia and the Z-Man and Roger Ebert.
Of course, the history of film is littered with thousands of cinematic atrocities, but these are my personal favorites. These productions may have many undesirable qualities, but boring isn’t one of them. Just watch with tongue planted firmly in cheek, and before you know it, you will find yourself having an unbelievably good time.
Many thought this was an insult, but this was actually a back-handed compliment. The person who knew me best recognized my passion for incredibly campy cinema—in other words, movies that are so bad they are actually good on some level. I took an odd sort of pride in my wife’s observation and started thinking. Just what are the greatest “bad” movies of all-time? What films, in spite of inane scripts, horrid acting, and terrible production, are actually very entertaining? In no particular order of preference, I thought of the following:
"Plan 9 From Outer Space" (1956): There's good reason why Ed Wood earned his reputation as one of the most appealingly bad directors of the fifties. "Plan 9" is easily the most unintentionally funny film ever made. A dying Bela Lugosi played a zombie. When he expired in the middle of production, Lugosi was replaced by a double that looked nothing like him. Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson, who could barely speak English, was cast as a hard-bitten cop. Poorly-written dialogue took on an almost autistic sense of repetition. The ever-fey Dudley Manlove played an alien who wanted to destroy Earthlings because they “…never think; they're "Stupid!!!! Stupid!!!! Stupid!!!!" Better words could not describe this celluloid disaster.
"Faster, Pussycat, Kill! Kill! Kill!" (1965): Probably Russ Meyer's most notorious sleaze-fest starred Amerasian beauty Tura Satana as a psychopathic go-go dancer. Few can find any redeeming qualities in this film, but I am an exception. Russ Meyer's black-and-white photography made excellent use of stark contrast between shadow and light, especially in the twilight desert scenes. In over 30 years of going to the movies, none have ever given me an adrenaline rush as intense as "Faster Pussycat."
"UHF" (1989): Critics with "good taste" disregard this Weird Al Yankovic vehicle, but his humor was never about good taste! Anyone who fondly remembers low-budget UHF programming in the seventies will surely relate to this film. Michael Richards steals the picture as Stanley Spadowski, a mentally-challenged janitor who becomes an unlikely celebrity. Weird Al's songs are the weakest part, but they are easy to ignore. Besides, where else can you catch Emo Philips as a shop class teacher?
"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (1964): As bad as it sounds and even funnier. Making things even stranger, this holiday-horror fest featured a 10-year-old Pia Zadora as a Martian child! Her less-than-distinguished acting career certainly got off to a very fitting start.
"Teenage Caveman" (1958): Would you buy a thirty-something Robert Vaughan as a teenaged caveman? Neither can I, but that only adds to the idiocy of this picture. Atrocious fifties costuming clad teenaged cavewomen in animal skins with darts sewn into them!
"Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains" (1982): Cheaply made punk rock exploitation picture tells tale of three working class Pennsylvania girls who form a new wave band to escape their blight. They go on tour with The Looters, who feature Paul Cook on drums, Steve Jones on guitar, and Paul Simonon on bass. Fee Waybill also appears as a burned out seventies glam star (that's a stretch!).
"Panic in Year Zero" (1962): Ray Milland, Frankie Avalon, and the one-and-only Dick Bakalyan star in this nuclear paranoia doomsday drama. Milland and family are camping in Yosemite when they see the ominous mushroom cloud take out LA. The survivors in the outlying areas take to an every man for himself survival of the fittest mode. Bakalyan is fantastic as a slimy hoodlum who tries to rape Milland's daughter. This one almost works as a tense drama.
"The Sinister Urge" (1960): Here is yet another reason why Edward D. Wood, Jr. may go down in history as the most inept filmmaker of all-time. A police vice squad cracks down on a pornography ring of mildly overweight women being photographed in bikinis. Watch for the police car that changes back and forth from a 1959 Ford to a 1960 Dodge.
"Creeping Terror" (1964): A shag carpet parade dragon terrorizes the earth, eating the homeless! Incompetent audio engineers lost most of the dialogue, so a hammy narrator was overdubbed to point out the obvious. It’s almost as funny as "Plan 9."
"X: The Man with X-Ray Eyes" (1963): It is hard to believe that Ray Milland won an Oscar for "Lost Weekend" when one watches this camp classic. Physician discovers eye drops that give him x-ray vision. Instead of advancing science, they spell disaster and bizarre photographic effects.
"Beyond The Valley of The Dolls" (1970): Sex and drugs and rock and roll and chaos and inane scripts and cheesy psychedelia and the Z-Man and Roger Ebert.
Of course, the history of film is littered with thousands of cinematic atrocities, but these are my personal favorites. These productions may have many undesirable qualities, but boring isn’t one of them. Just watch with tongue planted firmly in cheek, and before you know it, you will find yourself having an unbelievably good time.
posted by Trash Culture Connoisseur at 5:23 PM
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